Ramadhan datang lagi - reflecting on my one year journey
Alhamdullillah, First day Ramadhan went well. I am so fortunate to be able to be at home on the first day. I am extremely happy that my term holding administrative post ended the day before Ramadhan. without those responsibilities, I can focus on myself- my personal, professional & spiritual development in this month of Ramadhan. Best of all, I have more time for my family. It is just nice beginning - feel like starting all over again. leaving all those days as associate director facing all kinds of people.
To begin with, I took 5 days off. It has been a long time since I took a leave. It is such as pleasure (nikmat). I am so thankful. I am also thankful all the years in the past, the challenges I have to face at work, colleagues, with family and relatives, Alhamdullillah, I managed to worked through all the issues despite all the feelings attached to them. In a relationship - closed or professional, someone definitely get hurt, sad, confused, uncomfortable, but most of all - more often than not, led to anger & dissatisfactions.
I am thankful those experience have taught me to be extra careful in the future. It really taught me as a person to be conscious of people around us. How we can easily be misunderstood, how people can make all kinds of perceptions about us just through their own observations, how we can never control how people think of us. How words passed around with added-on flavors. Lots of things we cant control.
Truth is, we are always our own leader, leading our own life. An opportunity to lead a small unit for the past 14 months, was really a test to me. I do not - never - regret for taking up the offer. I have to be accountable for the decsion I made. I remember being approached by the two former bosses - directors, convinving me that I should take the post becuse they said I could do the job. I was not flattered.I was certain, I didnt like the idea of holding such a post. I knew it was not going to be easy. I was very sure it was not what I wanted. Somehow, it was fated, I said yes. I have my reasons but I will keep them to myself forever.
So, I took all the responsibilities and did what I think best for everyone. Accept all the repercussions..lots of them. It is really an amanah, it is my accountabllity to fight for CTL regardless what people said about it and how negatives overshadowed the positives. Being attacked at the meetings with the top management, and complaints from the ground. I had to face the reality I never thought I would have when I first started.
YES.. It was not easy. It was tough as I thought it would be, in fact tougher. It was quite a ride for the past 14 months. When things went wrong, I could not cry but wonder why. Allah has planned for me. Faced these people because Allah knew I could. Took up the challenge because Allah has always been with me.
Never had I been hospitalized for work stress but I did this time. Never had I risk my spousal & family relationship but I did this time. I took the risks as it had affected all relationships I had with people closed to me. Today I know, if all these relationships are not tested, I would never know myself, how far I could go, who would go all out for me and support me, standby me, be by my side through thick and thin and believe in me and my judgment. Allah most merciful and all knowing.
Alhamdullillah, Allah make me do this and see the reality of life. It hurts to recall words said by some people right on my face,embarrased you in public, cynical responses (I dont know & dont want to know what was said behind my back) how respect as human being is at stake. I have forgiven them all. I want to move on with my life.I have to let go.
I have to thank my support staff because I know I am a fussy and can be difficult boss. It is one of my job spec to be fussy. I had to confessed, boss also human beings. Also vulnerable to feeling hurt by sub ordinates.
I have to thank my big boss for the opportunity. I may have failed to carry out some of the duties as she expected. But I have done what I think is best for everyone. I cant stay, It a choice I have to make. Perhaps, my stepping down, is blessing in disguise to the management, so that a better person would replace me. Or may be my term was ended without my knowing it. And it is timely. But mostly, It is my choice because I am not capable of continuing the job anymore as it has affected my life too much. It is not good not for my personal & professional wellness. All I know I realized how happy I was the day I left my office last friday. The feeling of relief. Alhamdullilah.
***My writing is just my personal views and reflections of me. It is not my intentiona to disclose weakness of anyone specific not my former staff or even my big boss. If I have done that unintentionally, I would like to ask for an apology to have hurt anyone. It is my experience and I thank Allah for this one moment experience I had in my life
To begin with, I took 5 days off. It has been a long time since I took a leave. It is such as pleasure (nikmat). I am so thankful. I am also thankful all the years in the past, the challenges I have to face at work, colleagues, with family and relatives, Alhamdullillah, I managed to worked through all the issues despite all the feelings attached to them. In a relationship - closed or professional, someone definitely get hurt, sad, confused, uncomfortable, but most of all - more often than not, led to anger & dissatisfactions.
I am thankful those experience have taught me to be extra careful in the future. It really taught me as a person to be conscious of people around us. How we can easily be misunderstood, how people can make all kinds of perceptions about us just through their own observations, how we can never control how people think of us. How words passed around with added-on flavors. Lots of things we cant control.
Truth is, we are always our own leader, leading our own life. An opportunity to lead a small unit for the past 14 months, was really a test to me. I do not - never - regret for taking up the offer. I have to be accountable for the decsion I made. I remember being approached by the two former bosses - directors, convinving me that I should take the post becuse they said I could do the job. I was not flattered.I was certain, I didnt like the idea of holding such a post. I knew it was not going to be easy. I was very sure it was not what I wanted. Somehow, it was fated, I said yes. I have my reasons but I will keep them to myself forever.
So, I took all the responsibilities and did what I think best for everyone. Accept all the repercussions..lots of them. It is really an amanah, it is my accountabllity to fight for CTL regardless what people said about it and how negatives overshadowed the positives. Being attacked at the meetings with the top management, and complaints from the ground. I had to face the reality I never thought I would have when I first started.
YES.. It was not easy. It was tough as I thought it would be, in fact tougher. It was quite a ride for the past 14 months. When things went wrong, I could not cry but wonder why. Allah has planned for me. Faced these people because Allah knew I could. Took up the challenge because Allah has always been with me.
Never had I been hospitalized for work stress but I did this time. Never had I risk my spousal & family relationship but I did this time. I took the risks as it had affected all relationships I had with people closed to me. Today I know, if all these relationships are not tested, I would never know myself, how far I could go, who would go all out for me and support me, standby me, be by my side through thick and thin and believe in me and my judgment. Allah most merciful and all knowing.
Alhamdullillah, Allah make me do this and see the reality of life. It hurts to recall words said by some people right on my face,embarrased you in public, cynical responses (I dont know & dont want to know what was said behind my back) how respect as human being is at stake. I have forgiven them all. I want to move on with my life.I have to let go.
I have to thank my support staff because I know I am a fussy and can be difficult boss. It is one of my job spec to be fussy. I had to confessed, boss also human beings. Also vulnerable to feeling hurt by sub ordinates.
I have to thank my big boss for the opportunity. I may have failed to carry out some of the duties as she expected. But I have done what I think is best for everyone. I cant stay, It a choice I have to make. Perhaps, my stepping down, is blessing in disguise to the management, so that a better person would replace me. Or may be my term was ended without my knowing it. And it is timely. But mostly, It is my choice because I am not capable of continuing the job anymore as it has affected my life too much. It is not good not for my personal & professional wellness. All I know I realized how happy I was the day I left my office last friday. The feeling of relief. Alhamdullilah.
***My writing is just my personal views and reflections of me. It is not my intentiona to disclose weakness of anyone specific not my former staff or even my big boss. If I have done that unintentionally, I would like to ask for an apology to have hurt anyone. It is my experience and I thank Allah for this one moment experience I had in my life
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