tonight in 1999.. painful loss revisit Aug 26

Rain Rain Go Away - come again and share the pain
It rained hard that night as we were on the highway driving back to the hospital. The normal busy friday night in KL. Our 2nd day at Tawakkal. after mom was transferred from SJMC. We actually lost track of the time. So desperate that every prayer time would follow with solat hajat, the long touching doa, if I led the prayers that made us all sobbed and soaked in tears. Mom was not conscious. she looked as if she was in her normal sleeping beauty position. Smile and comfortable and looked fresh.


Dr Halili - From SJMC to Tawakal
But Dr Halili the neuro surgeon specialist, had warned us, telling us everything, he was honest that he could not answer why mom shunting procedure seemed not to work even after two operations and all other complications he couldnt find in his reference. For someone who had so much experience, to admit that was to me amazing. He warned us that mom's condition was not good and we would have to observe her within 48 hours to react positively. otherwise, she was just fit physically but the brain that was not functional beyond the given duration will affect her other organs.. Thanks Dr Halili..You were very accommodating to our needs

USTAZ
We never left mom alone at ICU. We took turn days and night, holding her hands, prayers and prayers for her to recover till one moment, with the advice from an Ustaz, if at any time she still seemed to be not reacting, that meant that was it, that we should not call her to 'come back' but to let her go.. if she had to go. calling her would interfere with her process of leaving. We just have to whisper syahadah to her ears. that should be the last words she hear to make her leaving us & meeting her Creator easier.

With Ayah's blessing
I had a conversation with Ayah, just the two of us, at the stairs near the ward. I felt bad for making him cry. But I had no choice but to ask him to forgive mom for everything that might have hurt him in the past. He said and I remember clearly, "Nothing..there is nothing ..Ayah rasa tak apa yg ayah simpan..tak de..." he cried and cried and we hugged each other for it was too painful to admit that was it for mom. I am sorry ayah to have forced you to do that -to forgive mom. (I wish my children will do that for me too.)I wanted to hear him said he was with total acceptance (redha) with mom being his wife almost 35 years. That he give his blessings and not holding anything towards mom.

Thank you Ayah, we love you and proud of you.
So amazed by the way you handled things at that moment. You too, deserved the best. You showed us how a good husband and dad should be. How you continued doing things and taking over the role of both maternal & paternal role at home. Another nikmat we continued to have for another few years later.

Our Doa must continue
Mom was so unfortunate, to have uwan(grandma) and dad to make doa for her and not holding any grudge or unfiinished business with two important people in her life (mom & husband). InsyaAllah heaven is for her with the continuous doa from her 7 seven children who miss her so much. 

Reminiscing in the last moments

Tonight, another Friday night. A rainy night full of barakah in the month of Ramadhan .About this time in 1999, we were in the hardest situation ever in our life. The greatest test I had and the worst nightmare I wished I could wake up from. mom actually left us peacefully in her sleep. Just a moment before, Dr Halili called us all in and showed us the result of massive heart attacks mom experiencing. Earlier on, he told us, her irregular pulse and BP was not a good signs. He hoped it would stabilize. I was not satisfied and voiced my disagreement. "But Doc, my mom never had heart problem..never."  We were told to be prepared and asked everyone to be there. The news was hard to digest. we all looked so lost, not knowing what to do next. So unreal, she looked so calm as if nothing happened to her.How could I believed what the doctor said. I ve been telling my sis that doctors were just human beings. Allah decides when one should go or should stay. We must make doa Allah gave us our mom back. another chance to have mom with us. Not to stop the nikmat of having mom from us.  Despite the not so good medical report, it is so unbelievable to see mom  as from the outside, there was no signs of struggles or pain at all, alhamdullillah. very much calm and at peace. 

On the Ground...

Today, I told myself, Mom is not ours. She was borrowed and needed to be returned to where she came from. The time was up and we were given the opportunity to have her with us for a while. The meaningful and memorable one and none of these moment could be repeated but cherished in remembered forever. 

Tonight, 25th night of Ramadhan should it be a lailatul Qadar night, I made doa for both my mom and dad

that they both are given the best rank possible as they have been the most wonderful parents anyone could wish for. They fulfilled all the obligations so well that without them, we felt their absence. They were perfect in our eyes. They were just our parents whom we adore. all the lessons we learned from them, were utilized well in our daily life with families and others. Lots of ilmu learned from them shared with others. May all these bring goodness to them. All the thing I do good, I contribute them to my parents as they were the ones (with Allah blessings) made me useful to others. In this Ramadhan, I also beg Allah to accept all our ibadah, prayers and answers our prayers and doa for them. And also Allah will make us all (including my children & later generations) to be children who are always close to Him and never stop making for our elderly.  

Thank our family for the love & support
I thank Allah for the gift given to me - my beloved hubby, the one who was there all the time for me and the kids at that difficult time. My tears, my anger, my frustrations were all poured to him. My kids and hubby have been my source of comfort and pillar of strengths. And so many family and friends who also shared the loss of my mom.

We miss you

Not a day goes by, without us thinking of you and how  much we miss your presence in our life.Somehow Ramadhan makes me feel closer to mom and dad.  Our hearts ache to witness all the years come and go without you to share those special  family occasions such as Eids, weddings, welcoming newborns & members in the family. I am going to miss these moments of remembering you in Ramadhan. May Allah give us another opportunity to have another Ramadhan again next year.

Salam Ramadhan and May we all receive the barakah of Lalilatul Qadar nights...Amin